Passed out on the top bunk of the train, a hand reaches past the curtain and taps me on the shoulder letting me know that my stop is approaching. I push open the curtain jump off the bunk, and get my stuff together. Everyone looks like hell. My dress is all crumpled, makeup is smudged, my hair resembles that of a cabbage patch kid, and I can’t even stand my own stank. Better keep my arms as close to my body as possible. I say a small prayer to God requesting that if he plans on introducing me to the man of my dreams anytime in my life- let it not be now. Because then there really won’t be any hope for me, and I actually WILL have to go off and join a convent and wear those horrible outfits and live a life free of meaningless sex. And what a sad life that would be right? On the plus side- it would significantly reduce my chances of getting an STI, and I would get to wear a rosary around my neck at all times which has become quite trendy lately- so I guess that would make me quite cutting edge as cutting edge as a nun can be that is.
I’m getting sidetracked here. Okay so the eight of us hop off the train a few minutes later, and we walk over to a set of tables to sit down while we wait for our bus. We still had quite the journey in front of us. The bus we were waiting for was going to take us to another bus, which would take us to a boat, to take us to a bus, to take us to a long-tail boat which would finally take us to our destination. The island of Riley.
So thanks to my best friend Miseour Rum, I slept like a baby on the train. But even if I hadn’t slept so well, been awake the entire night, narrowly escaped death by a venomous tarantula in my bed, had a bug crawl into my mouth, and found a cockroach in my bed I still don’t think I would have been quite as bitchy and in as shitty a mood as the three H.B.’s were. Jesus Christ were they mean. I don’t even know if words can do justice to describe the mood of these girls. Think Regina George and the Plastics, Draco Malfoy, Blair Waldorf. Actually forget them, they are way too nice- erase those images from your brain. Now imagine Hannibal Lecter. Yes, that’s the image I was going for. They all had the charm and disposition of the infamous Hannibal Lecter.
I actually could not believe how freakin’ moody these bitches were. Jesus Christ, get the fuck over yourselves. So while Jocelyn and I are sitting at a table waiting for the bus, I say:
“Shit my eyes hurt because I forgot to take my contacts out last night.”
Next thing I know, Amanda a.k.a. Queen Bitch of the H.B.’s whips around and says:
“Why the FUCK would you go to sleep with your contacts in? What the FUCK is wrong with you? Don’t you know how FUCKING bad for your eyes that is? Take them the FUCK out if they FUCKING hurt.”
Jesus Christ. What the fuck is up her ass, and who the fuck does she think she is? My fucking optometrist? I don’t even think my optometrist would give as much of a fuck, or any fuck at all. Jocelyn looks shocked at the emotional intensity of Amanda’s outburst , and I’m trying to figure out how the hell I upset her so much. Maybe she has endured a very traumatic experience by leaving her contacts in while sleeping. Although I’m not sure what this traumatic experience could be. I stop making up excuses then and come to the realization that she’s just a crazayyy fucking bitch who wants to take every opportunity she can to bitch me out.
Amanda then rummages through her bag takes out contact solution and slams it on the table. She gestures towards the solution and says:
“There- use it.”
No fucking way am I using that shit. It’s probably got some chemical agent that blinds people in it.
“That’s okay, I have my own bottle” I say as I search frantically through my backpack, find the solution and case and take my contacts out before Amanda decides to beat the shit out of me.
You just don’t fucking know with these girls.
You just don’t fucking know with these girls.
For the rest of the long journey to Riley, Jocelyn and I have the privilege of listening to the three H.B.’s bitch and bitch and bitch about the train, and the overall journey itself like they are the only people who have to endure it. I don’t think Jocelyn and I complained once. I wanted to tell them to shut the fuck up and suck it up but well frankly they are so mentally unstable and psychotic that they scare the beegeezes out of me.
After a long day of travelling and restraining myself from suffocating the H.B.'s with their pillows, I found myself jumping off a long tail boat and wading through the ocean water towards the beautiful island of Riley.
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