This is what the world is for; Making electricity.

After the whole Irish Boy on a plastic table at McDonald's fiasco, Jocelyn and I returned to our hotel room and got in bed. But we couldn't sleep. The jet lag had finally hit us. So we ended up talking all night long, and laughing our asses off at all the stupid shit we had already managed to do.

At one point I made the comment:

"We have become very multicultural on this trip already. I mean I've already made out with a Thai/Chinese man and you've made out with an Irish man. Wouldn't it be funny if we covered a whole bunch of different countries?"

And we laughed at this, because the idea was absurd. We were not whores. We were finished making out with random boys. We were finished with drunken foolishness and we were going to behave now.

That didn't really work out.

"Double Double Supersize and Don't Forget the Fries"

So the night after the Asian Incident, Jocelyn is a big hoe bag and doesn’t shut the fuck up about the nastiness of my Asian Lover. So, I pray and pray to the Lord that he bestows on me the opportunity to seek revenge. And my prayers are answered, that very night.

To my dismay, we head back to the very same night club we were at the night before. Bangkok is a huge ass city, with a massive amount of night clubs and yet we end up at the very same one I had made a fool of myself at, only a mere twelve hours later. To say I was not pleased is an understatement. So, I opted to keep my drinking strictly under control as I did not want to embarrass myself once again, and especially not at the very same venue. I can only make an ass out of myself once per club. That is my rule.

As we ascended the staircase towards the entrance of the club, one of the staff grabbed my arm and shrieked “crazy drunk girl! crazy drunk girl!” Then he proceeded to cackle and cackle and..... cackle. I assumed that I had been remembered, which was most excellent and not embarrassing in the slightest.

We partied and danced, and came across two wicked cool British girls, who became good friends of ours on the trip. Their names were Jess and Emma. We soon became restless of dancing, and so decided to leave the club and go look for something to eat. Now Jocelyn is drunk, but has yet to do something that will tarnish her reputation in Bangkok. Until, we leave the club that is. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Revenge is sweet. She leaves her scandalous behaviour for none other than McDonalds.

That’s right; Jocelyn engages in indecent behaviour under the golden arches, in good old Mick Dicks, amongst the creators of the Big Mac, in the grease kingdom of the fast food industry. Oh good old McDonalds, you have provided me with such good memories.

So, we decide we want some chicken McNuggets. So, I go to the counter and order the nuggets and as I am taking my money out of my bag, Jocelyn notices that they sell ice cream floats. Well Jocelyn starts going on and on and on about the stupid ice cream floats and asking the girl behind the counter a million questions about them when clearly she doesn’t speak a word of English. It went something like this:

Jocelyn:

“WOW! Ice Cream Floats”

“Are they good?!”

“I mean like do you enjoy them?”

“I mean like would you sit down and drink that float and be like wow that was a good ice cream

float?”

“How do you feel about these Ice Cream Floats?”

“I mean if you had to rate them on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you rate them?”

The girl behind the counter is clearly pissed at Jocelyn for speaking to her nonstop for a few minutes when she doesn’t understand. So Jocelyn is added to the McDonald’s employee’s shit list. So after Jocelyn decides not to get the Ice Cream Float, we sit down and start eating our nuggets. As we are eating and talking amongst our friends, two boys walk through the door. One of the boys is fat with spiky hair, and the other one is skinny and immediately takes his shirt off and throws it on the filthy McDonalds floor. He walks towards Jocelyn and maybe I missed something but I did not see any exchange of words between the two of them but the next second I look over and she and skinny boy are on a plastic McDonalds table top making out hardcore. Like pretty much having sex on the red and yellow plastic table.

Now imagine what your average McDonalds looks like. Bangkok’s McDonalds was no better. Plastic tables, plastic chairs connected to the tables that swivel, ketchup dispensers, dirty white tile floor, overfilled garbage cans, plastic everything, glum workers who hate their job, and ultraviolet light resonating from the grease. And Jocelyn and a half naked Irish guy on a plastic table getting ready to do the deed. No condom? No problem, just use a bag from a McDonalds Happy Meal Toy.

It was RAUNCHY my friends. I felt like I was watching a cheap porno. But it was most excellent at the same time. Not only was the pissed off McDonald’s employee even more unimpressed with Jocelyn, but the entire restaurant was watching! I have never quite enjoyed revenge like that in my entire life. Jess and Emma said to me:

“Should you go pull her away?”

“No! Do you have a camera?”

So we snapped photos and laughed and laughed. And after a few minutes, Jocelyn and half naked Irish boy grew tired of dry humping on the plastic table and returned to their friend’s sides. We didn’t bother to learn the names of Jocelyn’s Irish boy, and we left a few minutes later.

You know what the best part of her making out in a fast food restaurant was? The fact that the McDonalds had cameras all around its lobby, and so the full make out session was captured for the future enjoyment of all of the McDonalds employees that missed the porno but heard all about it. Boy would I kill to get my hands on that tape and post it on YouTube. I think it would be a hit.

Don't try and test me cos you'll get a reaction; another drink and I'm ready for action.

You know how when you wake up with a hangover from hell, and then your oh-so-kind friends fill you in on your adventures the night before? Well Jocelyn informed me of the following the next day:

The nasty ass Asian Lover of mine was FUCKING NASTY and I probably have AIDS now.

I fell asleep mid-piss on the toilet, and Evan (guide) had to send a Thai woman into my stall to awaken me from my peaceful slumber. The poor woman was subjected to an image I’m sure she will never quite be able to erase from her memory, an image of me with no pants or knickers on, my head in between my legs, and fast asleep. Excellent.

The nasty ass Asian Lover had THE nastiest MOUSTACHE of all time. It apparently looked like an animal was growing on his face.

I was extremely obnoxious, and while walking down the street with everyone I began to yell at the top of my lungs “JOCELYN WE NEED TO FIND YOU SOMEONE TO BANGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG”. While yelling this, I of course gyrated my hips and made humping motions with my arms. Brad apparently found the situation, and I quote “the most awkward experience of his life”.

The nasty ass Asian Lover was most likely an ACTUAL homeless man.

I spoke extremely bad French all night long and asked everyone around me if they spoke French. Of course Vad and the three H.B.’s are all from Quebec and therefore fluent in French. I completely insulted their language and they will never think of the French language the same.

I popped my brand new 14 day contacts out of my eyes, threw them on the floor, and passed out on the bed.

I do not remember any of this. Wait, I lie. I vaguely remember being shaken awake on a toilet.

Ho Ho Ho and a bottle of goose; Mix it with the bull if you wanna get loose.

Let’s start at the beginning shall we? Imagine me hitting the rewind button on a VCR and seeing a whole bunch of insane partying and compromising positions flashing across the screen in quick succession while I get to the very beginning of my summer adventure. And it all starts at a little old airport in good old western Canada. It is from here that my best friend, Jocelyn and I departed on the trip of a lifetime, and left our boring lives behind us.

Three airports, and roughly twenty-eight hours later we arrived in Thailand. We met our travel companions after Jocelyn and I grabbed our backpacks from the luggage carousel. There were three girls, and one guy. The three girls were and still are complete bitches; who all appeared to have something stuck all the way up their asses the ENTIRE trip. I have NEVER in my life met three more miserable people. Jocelyn and I called them the H.B.’s, which was just short for hoe bags. The suckiest thing about these bitches was that Jocelyn and I couldn’t cuss them out, because if we did we would have to put up with an entire month of tension and hostile behaviour. However, if I ran into them today, I would tell them to suck my dick and then I would proceed to kick dirt all over the fresh pedicure that they inevitably just got. Not nearly violent enough I know, but have you ever found yourself walking on the beach with wet toenails? You, I’m guessing are probably smarter than that, but I unfortunately am not and let me tell you it’s fucking hard to get that shit off your toenails even when you use a bottle of nail polish remover.

But on a more positive note, the guy was super rad! His name was actually Vad. Hehe, I just rhymed, I’m much too clever. So Vad became our good homie on the trip, and we desperately miss him now that we are home. So after we had all introduced ourselves to each other, our guides showed up. There were two of them and they were of the male variety, Brad and Evan. So, Brad is a complete metro sexual who is obsessed with his appearance and could be considered fairly good looking if you’re into that whole Zac Efron pretty boy look. He is also a major player and has no problem banging a different chick every night. And Evan, is a complete bullshitter who makes you want to convert to lesbianism immediately. He completely objectifies women all while wearing stupid t-shirts that depict different animals humping each other and other various sexual acts. He thinks they are funny, I think he looks like a fruit cake.

So now you have a sense of my tour group. Three hoe bags, a rad guy, a metro sexual, a horndog, and two insanely cool chickies. The two insanely cool chickies, in case you didn’t catch on would be Jocelyn and myself. I forgot to mention that our guides showed up at the airport, each carrying a plastic bag full of booze. Because who doesn’t want to get fucked up when they are jet lagged, and have only been on the ground for a whole five minutes? So, the boozing began in the cab on our way to our Bangkok hotel. When we arrived, we hoped out of the cab, ran up to our rooms and primped ourselves for a night on the town. Jocelyn and I decided that we weren’t going to drink much; we didn’t want to get too drunk within our first few hours of being in Bangkok. You know? That wouldn’t be very sensible.

Fast forward to about an hour and a half hour later, and picture me making out with the fucking ugliest boy in the history of the world. Let me correct myself- the ugliest MAN in the world, because he was light-years beyond the general age categorization of a boy. Imagine a homeless man who has just spent a couple days in a dumpster rummaging for food, and hasn’t had a shower in at least a week and then multiply the amount of litres of grease rolling off his face, hair, and facial hair and multiply it by ten. I’m pretty sure if God put you on the earth as Eve and this greasy man as Adam with the intention of procreation, none of us would exist today. Mankind as we know it would not exist, because not even Eve would touch this man with a hundred metre stick let alone allow her genitals or even worse her mouth be touched by this man. From this experience I have learned that when drunk, my beer goggles trick me into believing that everyone looks like Ryan Reynolds, and that Jocelyn should be shot for allowing this travesty to happen. Although in all fairness, she did try multiple times to get me away from the creature. He was at least thirty-five by the way, and half Thai/ half Chinese. Apparently he was major creepy, and kept bugging me all night. Jocelyn was sober and apparently I asked her opinion on the attractiveness of my Asian lover before ever engaging in a make-out session. The conversation apparently went a little like this:

Me: Is he cute?

Jocelyn: FUCK NO. (She apparently motioned no fucking way in hell with her arms while saying this.)

Me: Really?

Jocelyn: Seriously, he is fucking disgusting.

Me: Ewwwwwwww

Then I turned around gave my Asian Lover the finger, said “fuck you”, and walked away. However, when Jocelyn came back from a quick pee, Asian Lover and I were entangled in a hot, steamy, and greasy make out sesssh. It was at this point that Jocelyn decided to be an awful friend, and let me continue to expose myself to AIDS. And let me tell you, I did not hear the end of this little nightclub hook-up the next day. And with each person that described to me what happened, my Asian Lover got even more revolting. I praise the lord that I could and still cannot remember that horrific moment in my life. Less than four hours in Thailand, and I had already created memories.

Whoo! Alright, lets fall apart and the clock stops here and now.

Hello friends. While I was away for one fantastic month in the land of the Thai’s, I made sure to keep a journal of all the crazy happenings that occurred. And I have to say, it was one of the smartest things I’ve ever done, because it appears that without any parents or any relations to report home on my behaviour- I go buck wild. As you can imagine the paper copy of my journal full of secrets and adventures will be burned to ash immediately following the documentation of said stories and secrets in this top secret blog. So, my friends you should feel very privileged to be getting this inside information of my Thailand experience.

If you are going to judge me in any shape or form after reading this, then you can simply exit my blog now and erase yourself from my list of friends. D’accord? I mean come on now, I’m sure if you were a 19 year old girl let loose in paradise across the globe where nothing you do will ever get back to your parents or home, you would go just as crazy. So get off your high horse and just appreciate the fact that I have chosen YOU to learn all about my happenings.

-xoxo Awkward Girl-