Let’s start at the beginning shall we? Imagine me hitting the rewind button on a VCR and seeing a whole bunch of insane partying and compromising positions flashing across the screen in quick succession while I get to the very beginning of my summer adventure. And it all starts at a little old airport in good old western Canada. It is from here that my best friend, Jocelyn and I departed on the trip of a lifetime, and left our boring lives behind us.
Three airports, and roughly twenty-eight hours later we arrived in Thailand. We met our travel companions after Jocelyn and I grabbed our backpacks from the luggage carousel. There were three girls, and one guy. The three girls were and still are complete bitches; who all appeared to have something stuck all the way up their asses the ENTIRE trip. I have NEVER in my life met three more miserable people. Jocelyn and I called them the H.B.’s, which was just short for hoe bags. The suckiest thing about these bitches was that Jocelyn and I couldn’t cuss them out, because if we did we would have to put up with an entire month of tension and hostile behaviour. However, if I ran into them today, I would tell them to suck my dick and then I would proceed to kick dirt all over the fresh pedicure that they inevitably just got. Not nearly violent enough I know, but have you ever found yourself walking on the beach with wet toenails? You, I’m guessing are probably smarter than that, but I unfortunately am not and let me tell you it’s fucking hard to get that shit off your toenails even when you use a bottle of nail polish remover.
But on a more positive note, the guy was super rad! His name was actually Vad. Hehe, I just rhymed, I’m much too clever. So Vad became our good homie on the trip, and we desperately miss him now that we are home. So after we had all introduced ourselves to each other, our guides showed up. There were two of them and they were of the male variety, Brad and Evan. So, Brad is a complete metro sexual who is obsessed with his appearance and could be considered fairly good looking if you’re into that whole Zac Efron pretty boy look. He is also a major player and has no problem banging a different chick every night. And Evan, is a complete bullshitter who makes you want to convert to lesbianism immediately. He completely objectifies women all while wearing stupid t-shirts that depict different animals humping each other and other various sexual acts. He thinks they are funny, I think he looks like a fruit cake.
So now you have a sense of my tour group. Three hoe bags, a rad guy, a metro sexual, a horndog, and two insanely cool chickies. The two insanely cool chickies, in case you didn’t catch on would be Jocelyn and myself. I forgot to mention that our guides showed up at the airport, each carrying a plastic bag full of booze. Because who doesn’t want to get fucked up when they are jet lagged, and have only been on the ground for a whole five minutes? So, the boozing began in the cab on our way to our Bangkok hotel. When we arrived, we hoped out of the cab, ran up to our rooms and primped ourselves for a night on the town. Jocelyn and I decided that we weren’t going to drink much; we didn’t want to get too drunk within our first few hours of being in Bangkok. You know? That wouldn’t be very sensible.
Fast forward to about an hour and a half hour later, and picture me making out with the fucking ugliest boy in the history of the world. Let me correct myself- the ugliest MAN in the world, because he was light-years beyond the general age categorization of a boy. Imagine a homeless man who has just spent a couple days in a dumpster rummaging for food, and hasn’t had a shower in at least a week and then multiply the amount of litres of grease rolling off his face, hair, and facial hair and multiply it by ten. I’m pretty sure if God put you on the earth as Eve and this greasy man as Adam with the intention of procreation, none of us would exist today. Mankind as we know it would not exist, because not even Eve would touch this man with a hundred metre stick let alone allow her genitals or even worse her mouth be touched by this man. From this experience I have learned that when drunk, my beer goggles trick me into believing that everyone looks like Ryan Reynolds, and that Jocelyn should be shot for allowing this travesty to happen. Although in all fairness, she did try multiple times to get me away from the creature. He was at least thirty-five by the way, and half Thai/ half Chinese. Apparently he was major creepy, and kept bugging me all night. Jocelyn was sober and apparently I asked her opinion on the attractiveness of my Asian lover before ever engaging in a make-out session. The conversation apparently went a little like this:
Me: Is he cute?
Jocelyn: FUCK NO. (She apparently motioned no fucking way in hell with her arms while saying this.)
Me: Really?
Jocelyn: Seriously, he is fucking disgusting.
Me: Ewwwwwwww
Then I turned around gave my Asian Lover the finger, said “fuck you”, and walked away. However, when Jocelyn came back from a quick pee, Asian Lover and I were entangled in a hot, steamy, and greasy make out sesssh. It was at this point that Jocelyn decided to be an awful friend, and let me continue to expose myself to AIDS. And let me tell you, I did not hear the end of this little nightclub hook-up the next day. And with each person that described to me what happened, my Asian Lover got even more revolting. I praise the lord that I could and still cannot remember that horrific moment in my life. Less than four hours in Thailand, and I had already created memories.
No comments:
Post a Comment