I'm the cream of the crop, I rise to the top; I never eat a pig cause a pig is a cop.

Oh the Island of Riley. Just close your eyes and imagine a beautiful secluded island surrounded by crystal clear ocean water, rugged rocks, and lush vegetation. Now picture a plethora of wild animals- including monkey’s, frogs, and bats just roaming freely around the island. Sounds like paradise doesn’t it? And it was, except for one thing- the island had an unsolved mystery. A mystery that was both mind boggling and terrifying. It was the kind of mystery that called for Scooby, Shaggy, and the gang.

When the sun would go down, and the night clubs would start playing their obnoxious fist pumping music and turn on their strobe lights, all of the young travellers would disappear into thin air leaving nothing but awe and wonder in their midst.

The island would be full of young, cute, hot, FOREIGN boys. Make that MEN. And so I would get all dolled up and all liquored up and head down to the clubs with my group and we would end up being the only people there. How the hell was I supposed to find myself an exotic long distance boyfriend when the only people in the club were three hoe bags, two stupid horndogs, 1 friend, 1 Rad Vad, and myself? I love Jocelyn and all but I wasn’t feelin’ any romantic love.

We were all tuckered out from our long day of travel, so we all napped as soon as we got to our rooms. This was the nicest hotel we stayed in while in Thailand. We all met up in the evening to go for supper at an Indian Restaurant. I had a salad, and I actually didn’t half mind it. In case you didn’t know- I’m a crazy picky eater and don’t eat salad or Indian Food. I even tried a little bite of some Indian Food that Evan had. Can you believe it? This is even wilder than me making out with a Thai hobo. I am just letting loose in this country. Jesus. Who knows what I will do next.

Four girls from Calgary joined us for supper. They were friends of Evan and Brad. So we all decided we were gonna get drunk get crunk and partayyyy. So we drank and were all stoked to go party and when we arrived to the bar “last bar” we were the only people there. So, we were just bopping around, pretending that the lack of boys didn't bother us in the least.

Jocelyn and I headed to the washroom, and while she was doing her business Brad and I were talking outside. He was laughing about the whole nuggets situation again, and then he had the brightest idea he had the entire trip. He said: let’s convince Jocelyn that nuggets come out of the sink. So we did. And the saddest part is that she believed us, and judging by her facial expressions she was fucking stoked about this magic sink. Most people would want to hear that money comes out of the sink, or even gold. But Jocelyn just wanted nuggets and nothing more. Such a simple life she lives. Give her a six pack of nuggets and some dipping sauce and you are her new best friend.

In case you have trouble picturing this sink here is a simplistic diagram:

So, instead of getting wasted and making out with hot foreign boys, we got wasted and invented a magic nugget dispensing sink. It was a good ol’ time.

Taste me drink my soul, show me all the things that I shouldn't know.

Passed out on the top bunk of the train, a hand reaches past the curtain and taps me on the shoulder letting me know that my stop is approaching. I push open the curtain jump off the bunk, and get my stuff together. Everyone looks like hell. My dress is all crumpled, makeup is smudged, my hair resembles that of a cabbage patch kid, and I can’t even stand my own stank. Better keep my arms as close to my body as possible. I say a small prayer to God requesting that if he plans on introducing me to the man of my dreams anytime in my life- let it not be now. Because then there really won’t be any hope for me, and I actually WILL have to go off and join a convent and wear those horrible outfits and live a life free of meaningless sex. And what a sad life that would be right? On the plus side- it would significantly reduce my chances of getting an STI, and I would get to wear a rosary around my neck at all times which has become quite trendy lately- so I guess that would make me quite cutting edge as cutting edge as a nun can be that is.

I’m getting sidetracked here. Okay so the eight of us hop off the train a few minutes later, and we walk over to a set of tables to sit down while we wait for our bus. We still had quite the journey in front of us. The bus we were waiting for was going to take us to another bus, which would take us to a boat, to take us to a bus, to take us to a long-tail boat which would finally take us to our destination. The island of Riley.

So thanks to my best friend Miseour Rum, I slept like a baby on the train. But even if I hadn’t slept so well, been awake the entire night, narrowly escaped death by a venomous tarantula in my bed, had a bug crawl into my mouth, and found a cockroach in my bed I still don’t think I would have been quite as bitchy and in as shitty a mood as the three H.B.’s were. Jesus Christ were they mean. I don’t even know if words can do justice to describe the mood of these girls. Think Regina George and the Plastics, Draco Malfoy, Blair Waldorf. Actually forget them, they are way too nice- erase those images from your brain. Now imagine Hannibal Lecter. Yes, that’s the image I was going for. They all had the charm and disposition of the infamous Hannibal Lecter.

I actually could not believe how freakin’ moody these bitches were. Jesus Christ, get the fuck over yourselves. So while Jocelyn and I are sitting at a table waiting for the bus, I say:

“Shit my eyes hurt because I forgot to take my contacts out last night.”

Next thing I know, Amanda a.k.a. Queen Bitch of the H.B.’s whips around and says:

“Why the FUCK would you go to sleep with your contacts in? What the FUCK is wrong with you? Don’t you know how FUCKING bad for your eyes that is? Take them the FUCK out if they FUCKING hurt.”

Jesus Christ. What the fuck is up her ass, and who the fuck does she think she is? My fucking optometrist? I don’t even think my optometrist would give as much of a fuck, or any fuck at all. Jocelyn looks shocked at the emotional intensity of Amanda’s outburst , and I’m trying to figure out how the hell I upset her so much. Maybe she has endured a very traumatic experience by leaving her contacts in while sleeping. Although I’m not sure what this traumatic experience could be. I stop making up excuses then and come to the realization that she’s just a crazayyy fucking bitch who wants to take every opportunity she can to bitch me out.

Amanda then rummages through her bag takes out contact solution and slams it on the table. She gestures towards the solution and says:

“There- use it.”

No fucking way am I using that shit. It’s probably got some chemical agent that blinds people in it.

“That’s okay, I have my own bottle” I say as I search frantically through my backpack, find the solution and case and take my contacts out before Amanda decides to beat the shit out of me.
You just don’t fucking know with these girls.

For the rest of the long journey to Riley, Jocelyn and I have the privilege of listening to the three H.B.’s bitch and bitch and bitch about the train, and the overall journey itself like they are the only people who have to endure it. I don’t think Jocelyn and I complained once. I wanted to tell them to shut the fuck up and suck it up but well frankly they are so mentally unstable and psychotic that they scare the beegeezes out of me.

After a long day of travelling and restraining myself from suffocating the H.B.'s with their pillows, I found myself jumping off a long tail boat and wading through the ocean water towards the beautiful island of Riley.

“Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard; When we drink we do it right gettin' slizzard.”

Okay, so don’t get me wrong. We did do cultural things in Thailand of course, and didn’t just drink twenty-four hours of the day, seven days of the week. However, in the grand scheme of things that shits boring in comparison to my wild caaarazzz-ay partay nights. You got me? So, in this blog don’t expect to hear about temples and Buddha unless I got drunk in a temple while praying to Buddha. Just thought I’d clear that up right now, because stupid people (obviously not you guys) keep asking me if all I did in Thailand was drink and why would I travel all that way just to get wasted all the time. And then I have to slowly explain to them that a big part of a vacation when you are young is partying, because clearly these stupid people lead very boring lives. That’s all I’m going to say on the subject of stupid people.

Alrighty, so let’s skip forwards a day to the day we leave Bangkok. So we had heard lots of shit from other travelers about the night train (which was our transportation) being a horrible experience. Apparently its crazy difficult to sleep on the train, and the ride is fourteen hours. So, obviously the only way to solve this no sleeping issue, is to drink until you pass out. Like duhhhhh. Clearly only Jocelyn, Vad, Brad, Evan, and I are geniuses because we did just that and as a result had a marvellous sleep. The three H.B.’s being their dull and unintelligent selves, decided to just go to bed and ended up complaining and complaining for the rest of their fucking trip in Thailand about that one single night on the night train that they had a horrible sleep.

So, what did we do?

We drank a couple bottles of whisky, played some music, laughed, conversed, partied, chilled with a ladyboy, learned a little summin summin’ bout our travel companions, and passed out on our bunks. It was good times my friends. I never thought I could have that much fun on a train. We weren’t really supposed to be drinking on the train, but that was easily taken care of. We just gave the guards some whisky, and they were happy to let us continue our partying. We were THE party of the train. Random Thai’s flocked to us and joined us. We even made friends with a super chill ladyboy. She was so nice, she lead my drunk ass to the bathroom and didn’t rape me. While we were all good and drunk, Brad (our guide if you’ve forgotten) told us something very interesting. He told us he was in a famous Canadian band, and that he had gone on tours, and was a big deal in Europe. I laughed and laughed and laughed a bit more. It had to be complete bullshit right? He kept claiming it was true, and Evan (the horny porno addict) confirmed his claim. But both Brad and Evan are fools, so you can bet that Jocelyn and I bugged Brad every single day of the trip trying to figure out if it was true. But, you will find out more about that later my friends. So, at after three or four hours of partying we got kicked out of the “party car” which was really just a train car with no beds. We were walking down a narrow corridor when

Evan at the front of the line, called back to Brad who was at the back of the line:

“Brad, don’t forget to buy a bottle of coke”

Brad turned around and said to a random Thai man behind him:

“Brad, don’t forget to buy a bottle of coke”

Evan said:“Brad I’m fucking serious.”

Brad turned around to the confused Thai man and said:

“Brad I’m fucking serious”

“Brad! Buy some fucking coke man!”

Once again the message was relayed back to this non-English speaking Thai man who’s hatred for white people probably grew exponentially after this moment.

“Brad! Buy some fucking coke man!”

I nearly died of laughter. Clearly Brad was a little bit drunk and we had successfully drunken ourselves into the appropriate state in which to sleep on a night train. Mission Accomplished.

“They’ve got no concept of reality, living their lives inside a fantasy”

I totally forgot to mention our awkward dining experience that occurred five or six hours prior to Jocelyn becoming Hugh Hefner’s newest playmate. Jocelyn and I had been walking up and down Koh San Road shopping at the various vendors, when our travel companions phoned us to meet them for something to eat. So we walked to the restaurant and it was just the three H.B.’s and rad old Vad sitting around a table. We joined them and everything was fine, when all of a sudden out of nowhere the H.B.’s started having a bitch fight about a girl that one person liked and the other hated. It was the stupidest argument I have ever had the misfortune of hearing. It sounded something like this:

“blah blah she’s a fucking bitch I hate her and wish she died”

“blah blah blah”

“I don’t hate many people but I fucking hate her”

“blah blah blah blah”

Cue escalating voices, menacing stares, clenched Hulk hands, and eyes of fire now. The tension was incredible. Vad was looking at the floor, I was just starring at them in shock, and Jocelyn...oh Jocelyn how I love thee.

Jocelyn: “SO, DID YOU GUYS BUY ANYTHING?”

H.B.’s clearly ignore her and continue the fight with each other.

“fuck you bitch.”

“I fucking hate you whore”

“SO, ANYONE GET ANYTHING NICE?”

“your a stupid cunt”

“whatever you waste of skin and bones”

“SO, YOU GUYS READY TO PARTY TONIGHT?”

Now their conversation didn’t actually go like this. Their argument was so beyond the realm of

stupid that I still don’t have the slightest clue as to what it was about. All I know is there was a lot of cursing, “bitch” was thrown around a lot, and they looked like they fucking wanted to beat the absolute shit out of each other. And good old Jocelyn bless her heart tried her very best to create harmony amongst the H.B.’s but they just blatantly ignored her. These girls were the strangest group of “friends” I have ever encountered. As soon as one would walk out of the room, the other two would bitch about her as if she was the scum of the earth. Then the other person would return and they were all BFF’s again. It was beyond bizarre. These stupid bitches fought all the freakin’ time on our trip. If you didn’t know any better you would totally think these girls were enemies.

By the way the chick who claimed she didn’t hate anyone, hated every fucking person we met in the entire country of Thailand. If you didn’t have a penis and a hard on when you met her, she hated you. Crazy bitch.

This is what the world is for; Making electricity.

After the whole Irish Boy on a plastic table at McDonald's fiasco, Jocelyn and I returned to our hotel room and got in bed. But we couldn't sleep. The jet lag had finally hit us. So we ended up talking all night long, and laughing our asses off at all the stupid shit we had already managed to do.

At one point I made the comment:

"We have become very multicultural on this trip already. I mean I've already made out with a Thai/Chinese man and you've made out with an Irish man. Wouldn't it be funny if we covered a whole bunch of different countries?"

And we laughed at this, because the idea was absurd. We were not whores. We were finished making out with random boys. We were finished with drunken foolishness and we were going to behave now.

That didn't really work out.

"Double Double Supersize and Don't Forget the Fries"

So the night after the Asian Incident, Jocelyn is a big hoe bag and doesn’t shut the fuck up about the nastiness of my Asian Lover. So, I pray and pray to the Lord that he bestows on me the opportunity to seek revenge. And my prayers are answered, that very night.

To my dismay, we head back to the very same night club we were at the night before. Bangkok is a huge ass city, with a massive amount of night clubs and yet we end up at the very same one I had made a fool of myself at, only a mere twelve hours later. To say I was not pleased is an understatement. So, I opted to keep my drinking strictly under control as I did not want to embarrass myself once again, and especially not at the very same venue. I can only make an ass out of myself once per club. That is my rule.

As we ascended the staircase towards the entrance of the club, one of the staff grabbed my arm and shrieked “crazy drunk girl! crazy drunk girl!” Then he proceeded to cackle and cackle and..... cackle. I assumed that I had been remembered, which was most excellent and not embarrassing in the slightest.

We partied and danced, and came across two wicked cool British girls, who became good friends of ours on the trip. Their names were Jess and Emma. We soon became restless of dancing, and so decided to leave the club and go look for something to eat. Now Jocelyn is drunk, but has yet to do something that will tarnish her reputation in Bangkok. Until, we leave the club that is. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Revenge is sweet. She leaves her scandalous behaviour for none other than McDonalds.

That’s right; Jocelyn engages in indecent behaviour under the golden arches, in good old Mick Dicks, amongst the creators of the Big Mac, in the grease kingdom of the fast food industry. Oh good old McDonalds, you have provided me with such good memories.

So, we decide we want some chicken McNuggets. So, I go to the counter and order the nuggets and as I am taking my money out of my bag, Jocelyn notices that they sell ice cream floats. Well Jocelyn starts going on and on and on about the stupid ice cream floats and asking the girl behind the counter a million questions about them when clearly she doesn’t speak a word of English. It went something like this:

Jocelyn:

“WOW! Ice Cream Floats”

“Are they good?!”

“I mean like do you enjoy them?”

“I mean like would you sit down and drink that float and be like wow that was a good ice cream

float?”

“How do you feel about these Ice Cream Floats?”

“I mean if you had to rate them on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you rate them?”

The girl behind the counter is clearly pissed at Jocelyn for speaking to her nonstop for a few minutes when she doesn’t understand. So Jocelyn is added to the McDonald’s employee’s shit list. So after Jocelyn decides not to get the Ice Cream Float, we sit down and start eating our nuggets. As we are eating and talking amongst our friends, two boys walk through the door. One of the boys is fat with spiky hair, and the other one is skinny and immediately takes his shirt off and throws it on the filthy McDonalds floor. He walks towards Jocelyn and maybe I missed something but I did not see any exchange of words between the two of them but the next second I look over and she and skinny boy are on a plastic McDonalds table top making out hardcore. Like pretty much having sex on the red and yellow plastic table.

Now imagine what your average McDonalds looks like. Bangkok’s McDonalds was no better. Plastic tables, plastic chairs connected to the tables that swivel, ketchup dispensers, dirty white tile floor, overfilled garbage cans, plastic everything, glum workers who hate their job, and ultraviolet light resonating from the grease. And Jocelyn and a half naked Irish guy on a plastic table getting ready to do the deed. No condom? No problem, just use a bag from a McDonalds Happy Meal Toy.

It was RAUNCHY my friends. I felt like I was watching a cheap porno. But it was most excellent at the same time. Not only was the pissed off McDonald’s employee even more unimpressed with Jocelyn, but the entire restaurant was watching! I have never quite enjoyed revenge like that in my entire life. Jess and Emma said to me:

“Should you go pull her away?”

“No! Do you have a camera?”

So we snapped photos and laughed and laughed. And after a few minutes, Jocelyn and half naked Irish boy grew tired of dry humping on the plastic table and returned to their friend’s sides. We didn’t bother to learn the names of Jocelyn’s Irish boy, and we left a few minutes later.

You know what the best part of her making out in a fast food restaurant was? The fact that the McDonalds had cameras all around its lobby, and so the full make out session was captured for the future enjoyment of all of the McDonalds employees that missed the porno but heard all about it. Boy would I kill to get my hands on that tape and post it on YouTube. I think it would be a hit.

Don't try and test me cos you'll get a reaction; another drink and I'm ready for action.

You know how when you wake up with a hangover from hell, and then your oh-so-kind friends fill you in on your adventures the night before? Well Jocelyn informed me of the following the next day:

The nasty ass Asian Lover of mine was FUCKING NASTY and I probably have AIDS now.

I fell asleep mid-piss on the toilet, and Evan (guide) had to send a Thai woman into my stall to awaken me from my peaceful slumber. The poor woman was subjected to an image I’m sure she will never quite be able to erase from her memory, an image of me with no pants or knickers on, my head in between my legs, and fast asleep. Excellent.

The nasty ass Asian Lover had THE nastiest MOUSTACHE of all time. It apparently looked like an animal was growing on his face.

I was extremely obnoxious, and while walking down the street with everyone I began to yell at the top of my lungs “JOCELYN WE NEED TO FIND YOU SOMEONE TO BANGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG”. While yelling this, I of course gyrated my hips and made humping motions with my arms. Brad apparently found the situation, and I quote “the most awkward experience of his life”.

The nasty ass Asian Lover was most likely an ACTUAL homeless man.

I spoke extremely bad French all night long and asked everyone around me if they spoke French. Of course Vad and the three H.B.’s are all from Quebec and therefore fluent in French. I completely insulted their language and they will never think of the French language the same.

I popped my brand new 14 day contacts out of my eyes, threw them on the floor, and passed out on the bed.

I do not remember any of this. Wait, I lie. I vaguely remember being shaken awake on a toilet.

Ho Ho Ho and a bottle of goose; Mix it with the bull if you wanna get loose.

Let’s start at the beginning shall we? Imagine me hitting the rewind button on a VCR and seeing a whole bunch of insane partying and compromising positions flashing across the screen in quick succession while I get to the very beginning of my summer adventure. And it all starts at a little old airport in good old western Canada. It is from here that my best friend, Jocelyn and I departed on the trip of a lifetime, and left our boring lives behind us.

Three airports, and roughly twenty-eight hours later we arrived in Thailand. We met our travel companions after Jocelyn and I grabbed our backpacks from the luggage carousel. There were three girls, and one guy. The three girls were and still are complete bitches; who all appeared to have something stuck all the way up their asses the ENTIRE trip. I have NEVER in my life met three more miserable people. Jocelyn and I called them the H.B.’s, which was just short for hoe bags. The suckiest thing about these bitches was that Jocelyn and I couldn’t cuss them out, because if we did we would have to put up with an entire month of tension and hostile behaviour. However, if I ran into them today, I would tell them to suck my dick and then I would proceed to kick dirt all over the fresh pedicure that they inevitably just got. Not nearly violent enough I know, but have you ever found yourself walking on the beach with wet toenails? You, I’m guessing are probably smarter than that, but I unfortunately am not and let me tell you it’s fucking hard to get that shit off your toenails even when you use a bottle of nail polish remover.

But on a more positive note, the guy was super rad! His name was actually Vad. Hehe, I just rhymed, I’m much too clever. So Vad became our good homie on the trip, and we desperately miss him now that we are home. So after we had all introduced ourselves to each other, our guides showed up. There were two of them and they were of the male variety, Brad and Evan. So, Brad is a complete metro sexual who is obsessed with his appearance and could be considered fairly good looking if you’re into that whole Zac Efron pretty boy look. He is also a major player and has no problem banging a different chick every night. And Evan, is a complete bullshitter who makes you want to convert to lesbianism immediately. He completely objectifies women all while wearing stupid t-shirts that depict different animals humping each other and other various sexual acts. He thinks they are funny, I think he looks like a fruit cake.

So now you have a sense of my tour group. Three hoe bags, a rad guy, a metro sexual, a horndog, and two insanely cool chickies. The two insanely cool chickies, in case you didn’t catch on would be Jocelyn and myself. I forgot to mention that our guides showed up at the airport, each carrying a plastic bag full of booze. Because who doesn’t want to get fucked up when they are jet lagged, and have only been on the ground for a whole five minutes? So, the boozing began in the cab on our way to our Bangkok hotel. When we arrived, we hoped out of the cab, ran up to our rooms and primped ourselves for a night on the town. Jocelyn and I decided that we weren’t going to drink much; we didn’t want to get too drunk within our first few hours of being in Bangkok. You know? That wouldn’t be very sensible.

Fast forward to about an hour and a half hour later, and picture me making out with the fucking ugliest boy in the history of the world. Let me correct myself- the ugliest MAN in the world, because he was light-years beyond the general age categorization of a boy. Imagine a homeless man who has just spent a couple days in a dumpster rummaging for food, and hasn’t had a shower in at least a week and then multiply the amount of litres of grease rolling off his face, hair, and facial hair and multiply it by ten. I’m pretty sure if God put you on the earth as Eve and this greasy man as Adam with the intention of procreation, none of us would exist today. Mankind as we know it would not exist, because not even Eve would touch this man with a hundred metre stick let alone allow her genitals or even worse her mouth be touched by this man. From this experience I have learned that when drunk, my beer goggles trick me into believing that everyone looks like Ryan Reynolds, and that Jocelyn should be shot for allowing this travesty to happen. Although in all fairness, she did try multiple times to get me away from the creature. He was at least thirty-five by the way, and half Thai/ half Chinese. Apparently he was major creepy, and kept bugging me all night. Jocelyn was sober and apparently I asked her opinion on the attractiveness of my Asian lover before ever engaging in a make-out session. The conversation apparently went a little like this:

Me: Is he cute?

Jocelyn: FUCK NO. (She apparently motioned no fucking way in hell with her arms while saying this.)

Me: Really?

Jocelyn: Seriously, he is fucking disgusting.

Me: Ewwwwwwww

Then I turned around gave my Asian Lover the finger, said “fuck you”, and walked away. However, when Jocelyn came back from a quick pee, Asian Lover and I were entangled in a hot, steamy, and greasy make out sesssh. It was at this point that Jocelyn decided to be an awful friend, and let me continue to expose myself to AIDS. And let me tell you, I did not hear the end of this little nightclub hook-up the next day. And with each person that described to me what happened, my Asian Lover got even more revolting. I praise the lord that I could and still cannot remember that horrific moment in my life. Less than four hours in Thailand, and I had already created memories.

Whoo! Alright, lets fall apart and the clock stops here and now.

Hello friends. While I was away for one fantastic month in the land of the Thai’s, I made sure to keep a journal of all the crazy happenings that occurred. And I have to say, it was one of the smartest things I’ve ever done, because it appears that without any parents or any relations to report home on my behaviour- I go buck wild. As you can imagine the paper copy of my journal full of secrets and adventures will be burned to ash immediately following the documentation of said stories and secrets in this top secret blog. So, my friends you should feel very privileged to be getting this inside information of my Thailand experience.

If you are going to judge me in any shape or form after reading this, then you can simply exit my blog now and erase yourself from my list of friends. D’accord? I mean come on now, I’m sure if you were a 19 year old girl let loose in paradise across the globe where nothing you do will ever get back to your parents or home, you would go just as crazy. So get off your high horse and just appreciate the fact that I have chosen YOU to learn all about my happenings.

-xoxo Awkward Girl-